There are so many problems that we face every day… Stress at work, childcare, housekeeping, and many other responsibilities that demand our attention, all of which lead to a decline in intimacy. And even without them on your mind, it’s well-documented that passion begins to fade somewhere between the second and fourth year of a relationship. Anthropologists say that this has to do with maximizing our reproductive potential. Sexual passion decreases over time in other species as well.

In heterosexual relationships, some studies show that women’s sexual desire is the first to disappear. In other words, we are destined to lose our attraction to each other and sink into routine. And yet there are happy couples. What do those partners have in addition to those who fail to maintain happiness in their couples?

Raluca Predescu, a psychotherapist at the Oana Nicolaou Clinic, part of the Regina Maria Health Network, addresses the issue head-on: “Relationships are choices. This is what we grow together. It is not a given, something that “must” look one way or another.” Many studies support the psychologist’s claims, offering some strategies to keep the spark alive.

1. Show gratitude to the person next to you every day. Even for little things

Gratitude and sexual satisfaction go hand in hand, research shows. Although gratitude is an important emotion that can stimulate and maintain relationship quality, it is unclear whether gratitude can help maintain sexual satisfaction in relationships. One of the worst habits partners can develop in a relationship is giving in to the urge to constantly criticize or make negative remarks about each other. It’s okay to call attention to yourself when you’re wrong, but when communication in a relationship deteriorates to the point where partners feel only criticized and undervalued, all the magic disappears.

“We often think that we should only be grateful when we do great things, both for ourselves and for our partner. But gratitude starts with small things, like things that don’t necessarily belong to us, or abstract things like: a sunset, the sun’s rays, a good coffee I drank, a walk in nature, etc., but also small actions like, like: that our partner told us he loved us, that he brought us flowers, that he took out the trash without us telling us, that he washed the dishes to spend more time with us.”

Raluca Predescu, psychotherapist

When we feel that our partners notice and acknowledge our efforts, the building of trust and emotional intimacy begins. Nothing really important is built without hard work.

2. Encourage each other to have personal time and space

“It’s vital to even have a separate time/separate space. From practice in the office, I have noticed that those couples who have been together for many years and who also have some time apart, the activities they do alone or with other friends are more satisfied. They no longer feel the pressure to just stay together, do everything together, and the distance even adds a certain mystery and passion, you might say. “Couples who do everything together every day and do not have separate activities, time alone, or one of the two puts pressure on the other or feels the obligation to do everything only together, eventually achieve disappointment and the desire to even run away, break away from the relationship,” says the psychologist.

Research shows that when partners do something they enjoy on their own—whether it’s a job, a new hobby they’re learning, or a cause they’re passionate about—that enthusiasm flows back into their relationship. In this way, happy couples manage to balance predictability and routine with adventure and novelty. When both partners take time to pursue their personal interests and ambitions, each becomes a slightly changed person each time they return as a couple.

3. Do not neglect sexual intimacy

Sex will never fix a broken relationship. However, some studies have shown that there is some relationship between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. This will relieve stress and promote intimacy. Other studies go even further and claim that those who have sex once a week or more are happier in their relationships than those who have sex less often. Moreover, they know how to forgive each other small offenses and focus on the positive sides of the relationship.

How to become people who value a partner?

Through constant practice, even daily, the psychologist would answer briefly. Starting with small things that, when we realize, we thank our partner for them. Moving from the macro to the micro, “a simple practice is to journal daily what we are grateful for that day. Or before going to bed, let’s spend a few minutes in silence and realize that we are grateful that another day is over, that we are alive, that we are healthy, that we are safe, that we feel loved,” Raluca Predescu teaches us. .

In this way, we will learn to recognize what we can be grateful for, and this will help us show our partner, express our gratitude and love. “I would even say let’s make it a couple practice where we express our gratitude, our love for him, ask him what we can improve, how we can be more close to him, more present. Let’s try to thank him for those seemingly small things, but also for those that have a greater impact.”

Remember: gratitude gives us positive emotions, and positive emotions strengthen gratitude! Joy, peace, gratitude, love come automatically when we find ourselves authentic. Without this foundation in yourself, it is difficult and almost impossible to have it in relationships with others.