Most of us experienced more or less subtle childhood traumas that we carry with us into adulthood, even if we are not aware of them. We often try to minimize traumatic experiences, but they leave scars if we don’t heal them. We can identify these clues in the messages our body and emotions send us. What we can do is pay more attention to these notifications and try to change our inner voice.

People fall into two categories, says Dr. Gabor Mate, a physician and psychologist who specializes in the study of trauma: those who know they’re traumatized and those who don’t. Mathe categorizes trauma into two categories: trauma with a small letter “t” and trauma with a “capital letter T.” The latter are represented, for example, by “child abuse, domestic violence, bitter divorce or loss of parents,” as Gabor Mate explains in his latest volume, The Myth of Normality.

Small “t” injuries are less memorable, but painful and much more common childhood events. They emotionally overwhelm us in adulthood and leave traces long after their appearance. “All these traumas with a small letter ‘t’ are things that we carry with us throughout our lives and that affect our relationships with ourselves as well as with others,” explained Julia Barka, a psychotherapist who specializes in the method of compassionate inquiry . designed by Gabor Mate as part of the #ReFericirea event organized by SmartLiving.ro at the end of March 2023.

What are childhood traumas?

Most of us have experienced at least one minor trauma in our personal history, and there is nothing wrong with us if we have such traumas, he says Julia Barka (photo).

“Injury with a small letter “t” can mean neglect, emotional disconnection, the absence of an adult nearby who would be attentive and available to the child’s needs. Coming from that background, that’s my norm because that’s what I’m familiar with. Later in adult life, I will expect that the people I form relationships with will not receive attention, will not be there for me, and will not be able to rely on them. If, for example, I was surrounded by toxic people in my childhood, I will tolerate toxicity, because it is familiar to me,” said Yulia Barka at the SmartLiving.ro event.

Small “t” injuries are experiences we try to minimize. In the case of a small child, this is justified, because by reducing their importance, they become easier to manage. The child does not have the skills to approach them as adults. His brain is not developed enough to cope with such negative experiences.

What consequences can trauma have for us?

All these experiences shape our development into adulthood. Trauma is not about an actual event that happened outside of us, but what happens inside us as a result of that event. It gradually affects our functioning, causing behavioral, emotional and physical changes. The same Gabor Mate showed that a child who experiences parental stress can develop a disease such as asthma.

Childhood trauma often has a profound effect on interpersonal relationships. “What we have learned in family relationships, we will keep in all the relationships of our life. We can choose to surround ourselves with people who are emotionally unavailable to us, because, for example, our parents were like that in their relationship with us,” says Yulia Barka.

Trauma is not a decision or a choice. All the effects it has on us are produced involuntarily and may vary from one person to another, depending on the emotional resources available to each. These resources are influenced by a complex combination of genetic, neurochemical, and social factors beyond the control of the affected individual.

What we call personality is largely an adaptation to the events we have passed through. “We often cling to the personality, saying: “That’s it, that’s who I am!”. I’m not really like that, but when faced with certain events, I’ve learned to have certain reactions that become automatic and that I get used to. They are a part of me, and, nevertheless, I am very far from who I really am, from my true self, a kind of “Holy Grail” in psychology,” Yulia Barka explains.

Accepting your own difficulties is the first step

We all want to find our true selves, and the first step is to accept our struggles without judgment. Without acceptance of the current state, we cannot effect change, but this acceptance does not mean resignation or complacency with an undesirable state. Compassionate Inquiry, a psychotherapeutic approach to trauma developed by Gabor Mate, suggests pinpointing the unconscious dynamics that drive our lives and releasing them to finally connect with ourselves.

Developing self-compassion is perhaps the biggest challenge on the road to healing. “We could think of ourselves as the best version of ourselves right now. Some may look at this statement warily and ask, “What do you mean? I want to be better because I’m not happy with myself right now!” Perhaps this desire of ours is an obstacle in development, in becoming better – in the sense we give to this concept,” says Yulia Barka.

A person who does not like himself, who puts labels on himself and believes that he is not what he is, is actually listening to the voice of his inner critic. It is he who tells her: “You are not okay!”, “It could be better!”, “There must be something wrong with you!”. “This voice of the inner critic is part of our personality, our subpersonality. It accompanies us all our lives and is an obstacle not only to our development, but also to the happiness we strive to achieve,” says the psychotherapist.

How to silence the voice of the inner critic

The inner critic is not our voice. We are not born with it, but it is an internalization of the voice of our parents and other people who have been present in our lives. The inner critic is formed by parents who pressured us to be better, to be more careful, or not to make fun of ourselves. Their voice becomes a part of us.

“We may not remember when we were children, our parents insisting that we do things a certain way and perform our actions, but those things stay with us. These are injuries with a small letter “t”, subtle ones that we carry with us throughout our lives,” says Yulia Barka.

What can we do to get rid of the critical inner voice that we are so used to, that is always ready to label and scold us? The messages of this voice should show more compassion for ourselves. A psychotherapist offers a method by which we can learn to shape our inner voice: “Think of what a good parent’s voice would be when I feel tired and want to rest. What would a good father tell me? Another—we know—would tell me that I have so many things to do today that I would be lazy, indolent, incompetent, or selfish if I didn’t want to do them. A good father would tell me that it’s okay to be tired, that I can go and rest for a few minutes or an hour. He told me: “You are not lazy. Your body has less energy today. How about listening to him?”

By nurturing the voice of a good father, we will be able to recognize what things we need and what will help us at a certain time.

Anger is part of the healing process

It’s normal to feel angry during treatment, says psychotherapist Julia Barka. “Although anger is labeled as a negative emotion, it is an emotion. Also, there are no negative emotions, only emotions that are difficult to deal with. All emotions come with a message that tells us something about ourselves. Why don’t we listen to them? We don’t have to make an effort not to feel or hear our own emotions. Anger comes in a healthy dose when someone threatens my physical and emotional integrity. Therefore, it is natural to react by setting limits or telling him that I do not allow or accept something,” says the psychotherapist.

There are, of course, unhealthy extremes of anger. The first is anger, which is outwardly manifested through verbal or, even worse, physical aggression. The second extreme is the suppressed anger of those who do not allow themselves to get angry for various reasons. “Depression means a lot of suppressed emotions that we no longer face,” says Yulia Barka.

The expression of anger is one of the elements that contribute to our psycho-emotional healing along with the discovery of the authentic self.

Photo source: Dreamstime.com