“My day starts with a sigh and continues because there is always something unfinished from the previous day that haunts me the next day,” Ksenia, 45, a mother of two, tells K. “All the parties are asking me for something, I don’t want to tell my work, ‘I don’t have time because I have kids,’ or deny something to my kids because of work.” Result: “I feel like I’m falling apart, I can sleep anywhere, but in the end no one is happy with me.” Ksenia caught herself not washing for a week in a row. “As for friends, with many I am completely at a loss.”

Andrianna, 39, is unable to return to her pre-pandemic habits. “When I started working from home, I realized how valuable my presence here was for my son, now I can’t go back to the office,” she describes. “Also, I believe he needs more help from me now, these two years have left him empty on so many levels.” The aforementioned thoughts, rarely spoken orally, are increasingly worrying working parents, and mothers usually lead the way. The accumulated fatigue from a long period of isolation, remote work and distance learning, anxiety in an ever-changing socio-economic environment, and desperate attempts to continue where they left off in March 2020, have led many parents to emotional burnout. A survey conducted by Ohio University in the US found that 66% of parents experienced “parental burnout” during the pandemic, with the authors noting that symptoms of unprecedented burnout persist. In the UK, the percentage of those who suffered from at least one symptom of burnout was 80%.

Parental burnout is divided into three stages. “At the first stage, they feel exhausted, they realize that they don’t have time for themselves,” explains Haris Pishos, a psychologist and family therapist. “In the second, emotional detachment, parents stop getting the joy of caring for their children, which fills them with guilt and shame,” he continues, “so they rarely trust us, and almost only us.” When the situation worsens, “they experience a sense of inefficiency and inadequacy, which can lead to compulsive and punitive behavior towards the child,” he says, “but this happens very rarely, I personally have never had to deal with such an incident.” He estimates that four out of ten parents he works with experience burnout to some degree.

Mental and physical exhaustion may not be recognized by the parents themselves, but specialists can distinguish it with the naked eye. “Many parents come to us with other requests, such as psychosomatic disorders, marital problems or tensions with children, but the generative cause of all these situations is their own exhaustion,” says psychologist Marina Konstantinidou. Responsible in the Department of Family Support of the Municipality of Nea Smyrni. Many roles, high demands and many objective difficulties create an explosive mixture. The reality becomes even more acute in families with one parent or in families with disabilities. A lot of psychosomatic symptoms are associated with burnout – problems with the skin and gastrointestinal tract, arrhythmias and heart palpitations, phobias and even panic attacks. The “victims” of burnout are relationships with the second half and, of course, with children.

“The pandemic caught parents completely unprepared, and our lifestyle already included all the conditions for the manifestation of parental burnout.”

Many hoped that the end of the restrictive measures would put an end to their fatigue, but everyday life is different. “After two very difficult years, we were eager to get back to normal and did it so quickly that we did not give the necessary time for a smooth transition,” says Mr. Pischos. “We may have officially entered another phase, but we are experiencing the effects of the pandemic, such as increased vulnerability of children to viruses,” describes pediatrician Lisa Dimitriou. “I see a lot of children, especially preschoolers, who have had incessant infections since the fall.” Many already exhausted parents feel that they no longer have the patience and stamina to care for a sick toddler at home, so they refuse to attend nurseries and nurseries. “The child is sent to school on Monday, by Wednesday evening he shows the first symptoms that mathematically “lock” the whole family at home for the weekend – but no one can stand it anymore.”

But is the pandemic solely to blame for burnout? “The pandemic caught parents completely unprepared, but our lifestyle already included all the conditions for the manifestation of parental burnout,” says Mr. Pishos. People tend to give birth at an older age, “therefore they are more conscious and responsible, but at the same time they have less physical endurance.” New parents “take on their role out of fear that their own behavior may harm their child in the long run, and they gradually withdraw into their role as the ideal parent, often comparing themselves to other parents.” An overabundance of parenting information often stresses them out, “especially when they try to uncritically apply the information as a command.” Most of them, after all, are not trained in the parenting role, and when they realize this, their fears multiply.

However, the change in living conditions from the 80s and 90s to the present day is very embarrassing. “The world in which they are asked to raise their children has nothing to do with the one in which they themselves grew up,” Mr. Pishos notes. “The evolution of technology and the role of our lives, as well as the very large volatility that prevails at the economic, social and even geopolitical level, are creating a new reality,” he notes. “Thus, they are invited to ‘create’ with their children a new family model.”

Airplane mask check

A working mother of two preschool boys turned to psychologist-psychotherapist Haris Pishos to cope with increased panic attacks and increased anxiety. “She herself suffered from feelings of isolation, which was exacerbated by the lockdown, and she became estranged from her husband, who was very critical of her parenting issues.” Together they worked on symptoms, how to communicate better with a partner, how to ask for help, and how to take care of yourself. A year and a half later, the woman made significant progress and was able to make time for herself, “and thus the panic attacks were drastically reduced.”

“In this case, the key word is self-care,” emphasizes Marina Konstantinidou. “First, I try to figure out how parents can be helped by their environment, other family members, or how friends and relatives can be activated.” To recharge batteries and improve couples that have been impacted by parental burnout, “I encourage them to find time to do things they love alone and also time to share with their partner.” It’s not uncommon for today’s parents to wait until their kids are asleep “so they can reopen their laptop and do some work, which I find devastating,” says Mr. Pischos. “They should always remember that with their attitude to life, they themselves give the child a role model – if the child sees a tired and abandoned person in front of him, then one day he will imitate him,” says Ms. Konstantinidou.

“I’m trying to dispel their guilt, there are no perfect parents, they have to lower the bar of their expectations,” emphasizes Mr. Pishos. In addition, “I explain to them in detail the stages of development of children, because they often misinterpret certain actions and believe that they themselves caused them, and these are normal reactions at a certain age.” The familiar image summarizes the above instructions from the experts – before the flight, a contingency instruction is given, first the parent puts on an oxygen mask, and then puts it on the child next to him.

Modern family in the “shadow” of burnout