Research shows that a smaller age gap between siblings creates more conflict, but also closer relationships. There are some parenting techniques that can help reduce sibling tension. What should parents do?

Anyone who has grown up with siblings at home knows that the relationship between them is as important as it is difficult. There is a special kind of love, but also an equally special kind of conflict. Siblings play together a lot, more than with anyone else. Time spent together tends to decrease as children grow, but sibling relationships influence their well-being later in life.

Research shows that parents determine the quality of relationships between siblings

Sibling relationships play a crucial role in early socialization and later social development. But the connections between them are not formed in a vacuum of interaction. Several studies show that their relationships are changed and shaped by their relationships with other members of society, but especially with their parents.

Parenting style plays an important role in sibling conflicts. If the democratic style can reduce conflict, careless, inconsistent, permissive and authoritarian (dominant) styles can exacerbate it. In order to achieve peace in the struggle between brothers, we need to be more proactive, that is, to take those measures that would lead to a reduction of conflicts, not just to stop the conflict when it broke out.

A larger age gap between siblings can lead to a more harmonious relationship

Studies show that a larger age gap is associated with less sibling conflict. Thus, it was found that if the age difference between siblings is four or more years, they will be more affectionate, have prosocial behavior and show admiration for each other.

Why is it important for siblings to get along well?

Through early interactions with their siblings, children learn important life skills through play: understanding emotions, problem solving, and negotiation. Later in life, they project what they learned in childhood onto their social relationships, onto their friends. Numerous studies show that when siblings have a supportive relationship, they can positively influence each other: they develop the ability to understand and feel the emotions of others (empathy), social skills, and show greater interest and involvement in school. When siblings don’t get along, they negatively affect each other.

How to resolve conflict between siblings

Many parents complain that arguments, sometimes even fights between siblings, are a big problem in their families. The following strategies can help reduce sibling conflict and ultimately improve their relationship:

#1. Keep calm and as neutral as possible

When you have two or more children, unconditional love is given equally to all. No preferences, no doubts. It is not appropriate for an older brother to say: “Leave him alone, he is younger.” By saying this, you are already showing understanding to only one of them, preferring him just because he is younger. Also, if every time a conflict erupts you think it’s the big brother’s fault (perhaps thinking about the balance of power), you might be wrong. Approach the conflict calmly and remain as neutral as possible: “What happened here?” is more appropriate than “And you hit your brother?”

#2. Help them learn to regulate their negative emotions

Teach children to identify their own negative emotions and those of their siblings. Negative emotions can be dangerous for children’s physical and mental health, so it is good to decode them and manage them. Let’s not oppress them! Once identified, it helps to teach toddlers some coping strategies to regulate them: deep breathing, going to a “calming” place, asking parents for help. Learn and practice these skills with them when they are calm, not during conflict!

#3. Show them social skills through play that will help them play well together

Teach your children to ask if their brother wants to play when he wants too. Teach them how to accept rejection, how to frame rejection, and give them strategies to practice when they are rejected. All this is learned in the game, because babies learn faster by example than if it is explained to them with words. “I don’t want to play with you now, maybe later!” is a line that can be said without fear.

#4. If there is a conflict, resolve it! That’s how they learn to do it too

Being a mediator in a conflict means, above all, being neutral. You ask what happened, then listen to them individually. Then ask how each felt in that situation. Explain why everyone should listen to the other’s point of view, and then make sure they understand. By teaching children to explain their own point of view, solve problems and compromise, you prepare them for life. Children resolve their conflicts faster when their parents intervene in their conflict. And solve them correctly! When conflict is left to its own devices, the older sibling usually “wins,” and neither child learns to compromise.

#5. Appreciate them when they play well!

Appreciating the opposite behavior, that is, when they play well with each other, is very effective in reducing conflict between siblings. In addition, it helps them distinguish between right and wrong, illegal behavior from good. Set clear expectations and boundaries that cannot be crossed: “I don’t want you to fight/fight anymore. I expect you to talk about what’s bothering you.”

#6. Spend time with each child individually. Just the two of you

Doing this as a parent will make the child feel valued and reduce the feeling of constant competition for attention. And also talk to your husband to do the same.

Some arguments between siblings are normal. But when they become excessive and turn into real wars, it is necessary to intervene and teach them to understand why this happens and how they can avoid such situations.

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