It often happens to you that when you ask “How was school/kindergarten today?” get a short answer or a nonchalant shrug? And then there is silence and you don’t know how to proceed. Here’s how to start a conversation with your child and why you should practice talking to them.

Practical tips on how to be a parent who listens well

Many parents complain that they do not get answers to the simplest questions for their children. How did school/kindergarten go today? – a question with which, as a rule, any parent wants to start a conversation with a child. But in order to get an answer to this question, and even more so to start a conversation about it, you need to know a few things first:

The choice of the moment

You do not solve anything, if you just took him at the school gate, you slammed the above question. Maybe he had so much going on at school that he doesn’t know how to summarize it in a complete answer as you would expect. But, most likely, he is tired or hungry, in other words, he has other priorities. On the other hand, more applied questions – who is your colleague at the bank? What is the name of the girl who greeted you? Why did the teacher smile at you? these are questions that can give expected answers. This brings us to the next point:

Pay attention to the child when you start the conversation

Children sense when we pay attention to them, but they also sense when we don’t pay attention to them. If you ask a question without being interested in the answer – whether you are on the phone, talking to someone else or driving – over time he will lose interest in answering your questions. When you ask him something, put aside any distractions and look him in the eye or be an active listener.

This means nodding your head, asking questions that clarify certain aspects but waiting for his answer, holding him in your arms if you feel he needs a hug. All this will show the child that you value the conversation with him, that you really listen to him, and he will gain confidence to speak.

Empathize with him

Tell him that you understand him and that it’s okay for him to feel what he feels. Don’t belittle his feelings – maybe he’s angry that he can’t make friends, or he’s bored that he wasn’t allowed to express himself in class the way he wanted.

Whatever the reason for his feelings, before you explain, help him feel understood. His emotions are important, even if his problems are silly to you, they are important to him. Tip: don’t rush into decisions right away! Sometimes even they, so young, know what to do, but they need to vent their emotions, share with us and feel loved.

Tell stories from your life

If you have events from your life that are relevant to the topic of discussion, tell them about them. Adapt the story to the age of the child and tell him how you felt as a child, as he did. This will help increase the child’s sense of confidence.

Respect his boundaries

Some children are not ready to talk about their feelings when we parents want them to. Do not insist! Just remind him that you understand him, tell him that you also sometimes don’t like to tell, but when you like it, it makes you feel better and you can get advice.

The main idea is to succeed in creating an environment where the child feels valued, heard and understood, and conversations become a source of learning, communication and joy.

Questions to start a conversation with a child

Here are some questions to get the conversation started. I’ve broken them down by age group (preschoolers, school kids, and teens), highlighting the ones that can lead to funny conversations as well as some… heartwarming ones.

Questions to start a conversation with young children

• 1. What’s the dumbest/funniest thing you’ve ever heard?
• 2. If you could be an animal, what animal would you like to be? And why?
• 3. What is the most interesting place you have ever been?
• 4. What is the most delicious food you have ever eaten?
• 5. Who is your best friend and what do you like about him?

Questions to start a conversation about school

• 1. When you answer the teacher’s question, do you hold up two fingers like when I went to school, or what do you do?
• 2. Who is your favorite teacher and why?/What is your favorite subject?
• 3. What do you talk about during breaks with colleagues?
• 4. What is your favorite way to learn something new at school? (videos, illustrations from atlases or encyclopedias, discoveries in nature)
• 5. What talent do you think you have and would like to develop?

Questions to start a fun conversation

• 1. If you had a superpower, what would you do with it?
• 2. If you could choose to be called anything else, what would you be called and why?
• 3. If you had a day without rules, what would it look like?
• 4. If you could grant a wish, to whom and what wish would you grant?
• 5. If you could go on vacation in your favorite story, which one would you choose to go on vacation?

Questions to start a heart-to-heart conversation

• 1. What made you smile/laugh today? What upset you today?
• 2. What are you grateful for today?
• 3. What scares you and why?
• 4. What is the best way to make a new friend?
• 5. What are you really good at?

Questions to start a conversation with a teenager

Unlike children, teenagers prefer direct communication – how are you feeling or have i seen you sad lately do you want to talk about it? For them, conversations are easier if you avoid direct eye contact, especially if you are new to open communication. A good place to talk to your teen is when you’re in the car and he can look out the window. Or a walk.

They need space to open up. Active, nonjudgmental listening is still relevant. Use the trivial information your teen gives you and these nonverbal cues to understand that he’s testing you to see how you’ll react if he ends a long conversation with you. And find the right moment! Timing and approach are everything!

• 1. What are you thinking about (a current event, for example, the war in Ukraine or a music festival)?
• 2. How do you feel when a friend asks you to do something you don’t want to do?
• 3. Have you ever felt lonely?
• 4. I’ve noticed that lately you’ve been hanging out more with X. What does he do/say, how is he?
• 5. What makes you feel better when you are angry?

Benefits of conversations with children

Children learn by following a model. And this from a young age. By practicing talking with them from an early age, you help them not only acquire communication skills (active listening, facial expressions, body language, etc.), but also express their feelings and show empathy for others. They will develop his brain and help him in school. And the quality of the discussions, of course, matters; research shows that parents’ use of a larger vocabulary helps children learn and use more words, leading to better communication skills.

When you as a parent learn to listen to him, he will learn to do the same; when you, as a parent, show interest in his problems, the child’s self-esteem increases. By giving them the opportunity to express themselves, by practicing talking with them, by listening to them, we teach them to speak up when they are struggling, to support their cause, or to support the cause of others, those they sympathize with. Developing communication skills can protect our children from harm.

By practicing conversation, helping them to talk about their feelings, to recognize the feelings of others, the child will learn to open up to kind and sensitive people whom he can recognize. He will know how to choose his friends.

It is our duty to keep up with them, to understand that they are growing up in a different world than the one in which we spent our childhood, but also the fact that they are still children and must understand their condition, weaknesses, be understood and consulted

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