Generally speaking, a healthy relationship is one in which each person’s needs are met. What do we need to get and what do we need to give to have a healthy relationship, and what are the signs that we are in the right relationship?

Each person has different needs. Even in a relationship. For example, some need openness and commitment more than others. Although relationships are unique in their own way, there are some characteristics that distinguish a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one. Differences also exist between relationships, for example, in your 20s and in your 40s. But both have common adaptability. So, it’s about adaptability, trust, self-love (but not selfishness!), about curiosity or its limits, about open communication, and about the intimacy that remains after the passion leaves. We explain them one by one.

1. Trust – “it should not be blind”

Trust is a strong and at the same time fragile connection between people. This is our faith in someone, in their honesty and abilities. Trust develops over time through constant choices, concrete experiences, honesty and the ability to rely on each other, “no matter what,” says Raluca Predescu, a psychotherapist at Oana Nicolau Clinic, part of the Regina Private Health Network Maria. Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, whether we’re talking about friendship, couple or family.

“To be healthy, trust should not be blind, so it is necessary to have a certain insight. We do not in any way believe that he “does what I tell him”, because it may even be a form of manipulation or imposition, just for the sake of false harmony. Instead, “I trust that he is not doing anything that will harm me or our relationship” is the correct, mature way to convey to our partner that we trust his choices, his ability to distinguish between what is good and what is not for us and for the spouse. that he will show compassion and that it gives us security,” says Raluca Predescu.

Trust is a key component of a healthy relationship. Research shows that the ability to trust others is influenced by the attachment style developed in childhood. In other words, lifetime relationships help shape a person’s expectations about future relationships. Trust is also formed by how two people relate to each other. When you see that another person treats you well, is trustworthy, and will be there when you need them, you develop trust in them. As this trust grows, the relationship becomes a greater source of comfort and security.

2. Self-love – “it’s not selfishness”

If we don’t love ourselves, how can we love others well? This self-love is not something abstract or selfish, but a special form of care and attention that we give to ourselves. “I noticed that this is often misunderstood, either as something selfish and wrong, or as something extremely difficult to achieve,” the psychologist notes.

First of all, knowing yourself and expressing your limitations, boundaries is a form of self-love. Honest and open communication about our needs, feelings, fears, aspirations, and feeling understood by our partner is also a form of self-love. Let us be gentle and understanding with ourselves, let us know our strengths but also our weaknesses, let us be compassionate and, as much as possible, not criticize ourselves too much for them.

Maintaining our independence, even if we are in a couple, is actually a form of self-love and should not threaten the integrity of the couple, adds the psychologist. “By this, I don’t mean decisions made only out of our own will or selfishness, separation from our partner or considering only our needs, but that there is a certain balance between the time we spend together and apart, certain actions that we to make decisions together and separately that may concern only us, but of course it’s good to hear the partner’s point of view as well.”

Normal in this case is the establishment and respect of healthy boundaries, the cultivation of compassion, empathy, understanding, and trust. If they are not respected because of misunderstood self-love, then we can talk about what is no longer normal, what is dysfunctional.

3. Curiosity – “autonomy and privacy should not be violated by curiosity”

It’s not about stalking our partner, looking for them in their things, on their phone, constantly checking up on them, watching their every like or follow on social media or at work. All this indicates, in fact, distrust of the partner, of the relationship, which most often arises against the background of self-doubt and the desire for control. And a healthy, functioning relationship cannot survive like that. Here’s what a psychologist says about healthy curiosity:

“It feels like a real, sincere discovery of another’s inner universe. I listen to him as much as possible, without judging, without criticizing, without censoring; I ask meaningful questions in order to understand him more deeply, to know his aspirations, dreams, wishes, and interests. Even though we may be different, I choose to be compassionate, empathetic and accept his point of view. I am open to exploring together, gaining new experiences as a couple, but I respect certain boundaries and do not force them to be violated.”

Curiosity enhances inner growth in a couple, but it is also necessary to maintain a certain mystery. “Not all thoughts need to be shared with a partner, and he is not obligated to tell us all the details about certain actions, thoughts, etc. Autonomy and privacy should not be violated when we are interested.”

4. Open communication – “we learn at 20, apply at 40”

There are differences in communication styles between a relationship in your 20s and a relationship in your 40s. At the age of 20, relationships are freer, open to research and individual knowledge. “We discover ourselves through a relationship with another. Communication is spontaneous, directed at living in the moment, at our immediate emotions and desires. Now we learn to communicate effectively,” says Raluca Predescu.

At the age of 40, having a better defined personality, we know what we want from ourselves, what values ​​we are guided by and what we want from a relationship. “In this way, we manage to support each other, understand each other and increase the state of closeness, security, acceptance in relationships. We learn to make certain compromises, we no longer focus on emotions and immediate satisfaction of our needs, we learn to be more patient.”

In general, healthy relationships, whether you’re in your 20s or 40s, share mutual respect, open, effective communication, support, and shared values.

5. Adaptability – “not only us, but also our relationships go through transformations”

People change. Develop, involve. What can we develop in healthy relationships in our 20s to keep them healthy in our 40s? “At the age of 20, it is good to lay a healthy, strong foundation that will last for 40 years and even more. First, by learning to communicate effectively, honestly, openly and respectfully. Let’s learn to express our needs, emotions, desires. Then let’s develop our emotional intelligence, develop empathy, understanding of ourselves and our partner. Let’s support each other, let’s grow together, but also separately. In a healthy relationship, there is this support for personal, individual growth, to follow our dreams, passions, to be independent, and at the same time grow, develop together,” says psychologist Raluca Predescu.

Adaptability requires understanding that not only we, but also our relationships undergo transformations. And that it is good to find something new to discover, integrate, solve. And if we no longer find certain elements from the beginning, we can call them again or bring them back to the present.

6. Intimacy – “after passion goes, intimacy remains”

Intimacy involves sex, but not always. The flame and passion from the very beginning normally decrease, and in some cases even disappear. “But that doesn’t mean she can’t be woken up. Of course, constant and constant efforts are needed, but it is not impossible to kindle,” the psychologist assures. And it continues, assuring us that the life of a relationship can go on even after the passion is gone. healthy!

“After passion leaves, there remains intimacy, a deeper connection with a partner, a certain friendship, security, trust in a partner, which we cannot have at the beginning of a relationship. We can make small gestures of affection, surprise our partner with a romantic dinner or cook together, go on a picnic, go on vacation just the two of us, text each other during the day and flirt, pay compliments, visit a place where we were together early in the relationship, and other similar measures”.

Raluca Predescu, psychotherapist

A shared love of travel, for example, or Indian cuisine, can help you meet your love. But these passions have less to do with maintaining a healthy relationship over time. Mutual trust, the ability to learn together what is good for you and your relationship, the safety you feel when you are open with each other – these are the “symptoms” that make a relationship worth living.

If you feel like your relationship isn’t what it used to be, trust your instincts and find something that can make it work. A therapist can help you with guidance on how to heal your relationship.

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