The news that the parents are divorcing affects a two-year-old child differently than it does a 10-year-old child. Find out how such news is conveyed to the child.

It is not easy to look at a divorce through the eyes of children, and the wrong way parents end a relationship has a strong effect on them, warns Ramona Ivan, a family and couple psychotherapist. In addition, adults see difficult situations when it comes to divorce. Children, especially small ones, are interested in much simpler things, for example, “who does he live with?”. or “who will the cat stay with?” If we understand their developmental level at the time of divorce, we can help them adjust to the reality of divorce. We explain by age what parents should do to avoid avoidable suffering.

How to talk to children 0-5 years old about divorce

The main idea: with limited cognitive abilities at this age, toddlers and preschoolers (0-5 years) must find a daily routine that they are used to, even after their parents divorce.

The level of their development: still limited. Thus, you should keep in mind that infants and young children are dependent on their parents or guardians. In addition, they lack the ability to understand complex events or anticipate situations. Preschoolers are beginning to develop some independence, but are still dependent on their parents. For them, the world still revolves around them, they do not distinguish between cause and effect, they do not know what the future is. For the most part, I don’t distinguish between fantasy and reality. They have many feelings, but limited ability to talk about them.

How you will help them get over your divorce: Be there for them when they need it, even if they are in different homes. Babies and young children should follow their usual regime (feeding, playing, bathing, sleeping). Older children need simple and specific explanations. If the father leaves the house, they will think “Dad left me” instead of “Dad left Mom”. Explain simply: which parent will move, where the children will live, who will look after them, how much and how often they will be able to see the moving parent. They will ask questions. Give short answers. Encourage them to ask questions and answer them each time. Don’t expect them to understand everything from the first conversation.

What to look for: Signs of distress in preschool children include fear, anger, or emotional instability, which may be mediated by a desire to stay away from the parent left with them, anxiety, crying, or persistent irritability. Developmental delays or regression may be observed in preschool children. For example, children who used to sleep through the night may start waking up more often.

How to talk to children aged 6-11 about divorce

Main idea: Because they understand a little more and can talk about their feelings, at this age (6-11 years) you should try to calm their fears.

The level of their development: by the age of 8, they already understand feelings more, their perception of the world around them expands, they are less egocentric. But they have limited understanding of complex circumstances such as divorce. They go to school, they have friends and a social image that they still can’t explain. From 9 to 11 years, these relationships outside the family are more developed. Friends, teachers, coaches become part of their lives. They tend to see things in black and white and may blame one parent for the divorce.

How to help them get through your divorce: Routines are still important. Children aged 9-11 can talk about how they feel, but they may not want to. An indirect approach to the topic can help. Saying, “Some children feel sad, scared, or even angry when their parents divorce” is less threatening than asking directly, “Are you sad?” Some children begin to take “steps” to reconcile their divorced parents. You will have to talk to them a lot to help them understand their feelings. But also to understand that these are adult decisions that they did not cause and cannot influence.

What to look for: School-age children may express their distress through fear, anxiety, anger, or sadness. Some may show obvious signs of longing for an absent parent.

How to talk to 12-14 year olds about divorce

The main idea: continuous communication with children after a divorce is, on the one hand, the most difficult thing to achieve, on the other hand, it is the only chance to keep children’s emotional problems under control.

The level of their development: at this age, children, already in adolescence, have a greater ability to understand the problems related to divorce, participate in discussions and ask questions for understanding. Even now, there is also a desire for greater independence, but parental authority is also questioned.

How to help them get over your divorce: Be open. This will help you spot emotional problems in children early. Most children at this age still have a strong need to feel connected to their parents. When they withdraw into themselves, it often indicates their desire to test their parents to see if they really care about them. Keep talking to them even if they seem to push you away!

What to pay attention to: if their mood, their behavior has undergone changes after the divorce. Because it is quite difficult to assess how much divorce affects the conditions of adolescence, which can become irritable and accumulate anger also due to the changes that age brings.

3 things that help you survive a divorce

Divorce can be a pivotal experience for children, sometimes changing the trajectory of their lives. In fact, from the child’s point of view, divorce means the loss of stability and, more importantly, the loss of a unified family. So it’s no surprise that divorce can cause a variety of emotional reactions in children, from anger and frustration to anxiety and sadness.

Research shows that three factors help children of all ages adjust after divorce:

• 1. have a strong relationship with both parents (when possible and when the child wants it);
• 2. parents remain parents regardless of the age of the children;
• 3. be exposed to as little as possible conflict.

Divorce (or divorce) is quite difficult to go through, especially if children are involved. But divorce should not be seen as the end. This can be the end of unhappy unions and, in the end, be the best decision for the family. Sincere and unconditional love for children, communication (not only about divorce), reassurance and confidence of children that everything will be fine, support of both will help them adapt to life after divorce.

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