The secret to happy children is to let them be angry. The negative emotions that children feel when they are angry help them develop healthy. Fear of these negative feelings can lead to long-term behavioral problems. Children who manage their emotions well are more likely to do well in school and get along with others.

Whenever a child is upset, parents try, often instinctively, to cheer them up or distract them from their sadness. There’s nothing wrong with doing nice things for your child, especially when they’re sad, but doing so won’t help you identify the source of what’s making your child upset.

But even if you know the source of his sadness—for example, you don’t let him watch TV in the evening or you don’t have his favorite cookies in the house—the child may see his negative reaction as appropriate. He must also learn to understand these feelings and manage them. You can ask him to take a deep breath or verbalize what’s bothering him. Experts say you’re helping him by validating his feelings: “I know how you feel, but unfortunately we can’t do that right now,” but holding firm on what needs to happen—”Now we need to go to bed “. ! “. You will have to have the patience to leave him alone to find the resources to overcome the moment.

Negative emotions and adult life

Babies cry, toddlers throw tantrums. “At some point, parents expect babies to start managing their feelings without crises. However, emotion regulation is a complex process. It requires so many skills, including attention, planning, helping with cognitive and language development,” says Dr. Pamela Cole, a psychologist at Penn State University who specializes in early childhood emotion regulation.

Experts say children who learn to effectively manage their negative emotions are more likely to develop the resilience they need as adults. Fear of these negative feelings can lead to long-term behavioral problems. In childhood, children may be ashamed of these feelings and have doubts: “I’m angry, I must be a bad child!” or “There must be something wrong with me…”.

Children develop these skills at different times, say psychologists. Their ability to deal with negative feelings depends on their genetics, natural temperament, the environment they grew up in, and external factors such as how tired or hungry they are. Parents, teachers, and other caregivers play a critical role in helping children learn to manage their feelings.

How we help children understand and overcome their negative feelings

Here are scientifically proven strategies that parents and others who spend time with children can use to teach them these important skills:

• Start early: Babies who get angry easily and are difficult to calm are at greater risk of having problems managing their emotions when they grow up, says Dr. John Lohman, a psychologist at the University of Alabama who specializes in anti-bullying programs for children. children at risk. Children must learn by feeling. And parents can start talking to them about it when they are babies. Show them when the characters in the books or movies feel sad, happy, angry, or worried.
• Build and maintain friendships with toddlers: Research shows that toddlers who have a secure and trusting relationship with their parents demonstrate better emotion regulation than those whose needs are not met by their parents. Consistency and reassurance will help you develop a secure attachment to your child.
• Talk and teach them: Teach your children to recognize and name their emotions. Don’t continue talking to them while they are upset. “When things are calm, find an opportunity to talk about feelings and strategies for managing them,” advises Dr. Cole. “You won’t succeed in one conversation, but you can start this way, with a lot of patience.”
• Be a good role model: You know what they say, “Do as I say, not as I do”? “It’s just the opposite,” says Dr. Alan Kazdin, a Yale University psychologist and director of the Yale Parenting Center, which studies parenting strategies to reduce behavior problems. Children learn by modeling what their parents do, not what they get from them.
• Stay calm: Modeling good behavior is easier said than done, especially when your preschooler is throwing a tantrum. If you’re about to lose your cool, take a moment to breathe and calm down before you begin to address the situation. “Go into another room and come back when you’re calm,” suggests Kazdin, who drew on decades of research to develop a free online training for parents. “You can’t avoid a situation, but you can avoid an impulsive reaction.”
• Talk to him about how to react in difficult situations: When your child is calm, talk about how he can handle a difficult situation. Imagine he pushed a classmate who had a toy he also wanted. When things are calm, talk to her about different options she can do next time: she can tell the teacher, ask a classmate to take turns, or find something else to play with. This process can help him develop problem-solving skills.
• Don’t forget to practice: After talking about your options, it’s time to practice by role-playing and rehearsing. Take turns pretending to be your child or a classmate. With practice, children will begin to apply these new skills in the real world.
• Be a team: For children learning to regulate their emotions, consistency is key. “It’s very important that parents, grandparents, and teachers work together to address a child’s self-regulation issues,” advises Dr. Lochman. “Sit down and plan a coordinated approach to managing your child’s behavior.”
• Adjust your expectations: If the child is really scared or stressed, he will not behave the way he has learned, no matter how much you want him to. When they are fearful or anxious (such as vaccinations or the first day of school), they may not have access to the self-regulatory skills they use in lower-stakes situations. In a highly stressful situation, children need more support from adults.
• Think Long Term: Most kids learn to manage big feelings by elementary school. But this does not mean that their emotional development is over. Executive functions—skills such as planning, organization, problem solving, and impulse control—continue to develop into young adulthood. When your child’s behavior upsets you, remember that it takes time to regulate emotions.

But the most important thing is the relationship with the child. Whether they’re in diapers or getting ready to go to school, it’s never too early or too late to strengthen your relationship, because children learn from people they trust.

(Photo source: Dreamstime.com)