​If a toddler’s tantrums are a parent’s nightmare, then a teenager’s tantrums can be much more difficult to deal with.

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Puberty, which, according to observations, begins both at a younger and at an older age, is a very difficult period for the beginning teenager, as well as for his parents and in general for everyone around him, the real reasons for tantrums are not always obvious.

It is not necessarily strictly the fact that he was told to turn off the music, that he was asked to tidy up his desk, or that he was criticized for neglecting his personal hygiene, that triggered the crisis. It must be remembered that the life difficulties of teenagers are different from the difficulties of adults.

They are in the midst of forming an articulated and autonomous self, they build themselves by experimenting and interacting with others. They need feedback to define themselves. The protective shell of emotional detachment that many adults have is still being built. Therefore, when the environment is against them and biology biases them, they become even more vulnerable.

Hormones and the brain, the main “culprits”

Hormonal changes occurring in the body can affect mood, making teenagers more susceptible to anxiety, stress, sadness and frustration.

As for anxiety (one of the most common disorders among teenagers), a study conducted last year by Chinese scientists showed that one of its causes is a disruption of the circadian rhythm (the most obvious change in behavior in adolescence is late falling asleep and waking up). get up late).

Another reason for tantrums may be a teenager’s inability to effectively communicate their needs and desires, such as asking for more autonomy, more freedom, or a greater degree of representation in decision-making. Including the prospect of exams, deadlines, conflicts with friends or relationship problems can contribute to a teenager’s mood swings and angry outbursts.

Last but not least, anxiety, depression, ADHD, or other mental health issues can also affect a teen’s mood and emotions. For example, a teenager diagnosed with ADHD is more likely to be irritable because the disorder affects impulse control.

Anger has many faces

The ways in which a teenager who experiences a range of emotions in the process of his development are different.

It’s okay to be moody, sassy, ​​and disrespectful, but it’s also okay to want independence and solitude, spend more time with friends, and shut yourself up in your room, avoiding your parents as much as possible. And if we talk about the ways of manifestation, then the signs of hysteria in teenagers are not limited to screaming. Disrespect, disobedience, aggression, isolation, throwing objects and crying are all tantrums.

Attitude makes the difference

It’s true that parents face adolescence with horror. And this is because, in most cases, they feel that they do not know or will not be able to cope with tantrums. In fact, all that is required is calmness, self-control and diplomacy. Some small changes can make a huge difference.

Here are some tips to help your teen learn to regulate their emotions and communicate effectively.

Identify and recognize triggers

Think about it and try to determine what event caused the tantrum.

Was he trying to share his thoughts or something important to him, but you were too busy to listen and he felt ignored or unimportant? Has he asked you to let him go out with friends or attend a birthday party or event and you have refused? If you understand what led to his tantrum, you will know how to approach such a topic next time, and it will help you understand when your teenager needs to be listened to, helped or emotionally supported.

Stay calm in a crisis

When your teen raises his voice (maybe even yells at you!), you’ll instinctively want to do the same. But that won’t help you at all.

You might even make the situation worse. restrain Breathe, take a deep breath. Be an example, show him self-control and emotional regulation, and these actions will “speak” louder than you could with your voice. Give each other time and space before trying to resolve the issue that led to the conflict.

Listen without interrupting

A teenager needs to feel safe, he needs to be convinced that you see and hear him, that you are present, even when his behavior is not kind or good.

Listen carefully to what he says, let him talk, don’t interrupt him, don’t scold him, don’t judge him. Just let him talk, let him vent. This gives him the assurance that you will be there when he is going through difficult situations.

It encourages communication

When exchanging lines with a teenager during a tantrum, insert things he said before, statements he made in the past. That way, he’ll know that you’re listening to him when he’s talking to you, and that will matter to him.

If he does not calm down, stop the discussion, wait until he calms down, and only then resume the discussion to find solutions and ways to solve the problem.

Set boundaries

Once the tantrum has passed, set reasonable boundaries. A teenager needs to understand that being angry is not the way to get what he wants. Explain that it’s okay to be angry or frustrated, but not to yell, swear, throw things, or be disrespectful. It’s a good idea to involve your teen in the process of setting the rules he has to follow to make sure you also take his opinion into account, which can help reduce the risk of future crises. When the rules set by parents are reasonable, teenagers tend to follow them.

Setting limits is not enough. In order for boundaries to make sense, parents must build a consistent relationship with the teenager, and the latter must feel accepted and understood. And it is equally important that both parents have a common vision for the teenager, without sabotaging each other.

The authors of the book “Oh, puberty! What the world of today’s teenagers looks like and how we talk to them about difficult topics.” Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett want to remind parents: “All emotions are welcome, all behaviors are not!” Just because they’re angry doesn’t mean they have to hit their little brother or make fun of you. Tell them very strongly that certain things are not acceptable.’

They also suggest that we always show them a way out: “When older children have tantrums, they often dig themselves a hole and can’t get out of it.” We can throw a ladder at them, giving them an escape route. as? Put a glass of cold water in front of them; call the dog, start stroking it, and maybe the children will follow your example; ask them if they want some time alone and offer to make sure they’re okay in a few minutes (but then come back in a few minutes!)’.

If you want to learn more about dating teens and tweens, we have a recommendation. The book “Oh, Puberty! What the world of today’s teenagers looks like and how we talk to them about difficult topics”, recently published in Romanian by ZYX Books. The book can be purchased HERE, delivery is free.