You know that feeling when someone makes a mean joke, and even if it’s minor, it makes you sick for the rest of the day? It destabilizes, spoils the whole sense of well-being and leads to a strange storm of intense feelings of anxiety, guilt or shame. Emotional triggers closely related to our past experiences may be to blame for this. Understanding them can help us be better with ourselves and have healthier relationships with others.

We all have emotional triggers. It can be difficult to identify exactly what is causing these feelings, but it is a good start to do so and understand when they occur. By learning what these “buttons” are pushing, we can learn to do better next time. In other words, how to respond in a way that avoids the emotional storm that ruins our day. And, often, relationships with others.

What are emotional triggers?

After World War I, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) research began to use the term “trigger” to refer to the feelings experienced by those who directly or indirectly experienced horrific events.

Since then, the term has expanded to encompass a wide range of traumas and individual responses to these traumatic situations. “Emotional triggers are certain words, images, situations or experiences that cause strong emotional reactions in us. These triggers can differ from person to person and are related to our past experiences, certain beliefs, certain sensitivities, so they cause a wide range of emotions. From happiness, anger, sadness to fear and anxiety,” explains Raluca Predescu, a psychotherapist at the Oana Nicolaou Clinic, which is part of Queen Mary’s private health care network.

How we react when something “triggers” us.

Emotional triggers are not necessarily negative. There are also positive triggers that create positive emotions in us. For example, when we listen to a piece of music and remember a beautiful time; or we visit a beautiful place and connect with a moment when we fell in love, or perhaps when we were young and free.

However, some triggers are negative. Here is a classic example that happens in many couples: the wife comes home before the husband, after a long day at work, and notices that the garbage has not been taken out, the dishes have not been washed, the house is not clean. . Begins to clean, take out the garbage, cook. A few hours later, tired after a whole day, the man also appears at home, puts on his shoes and says that he is tired and hungry. Ask “what’s for dinner?” and sits in front of the TV. What does the wife understand from this: that after a busy day, her efforts were not enough. That she is not seen, that she is not verified. In fact, she may have been expecting her husband to say, “Oh, honey, it’s good that you cleaned up! It’s a moon house!” or “Sorry I didn’t take out the trash, I was on a run today, I needed to get to the office quickly. Glad you picked it up! You’re awesome and thanks for taking care of us!”

If the wife does not hear these words, her reaction may be anger, disappointment, sadness. She will probably react loudly, shout at him, cry, maybe make all sorts of accusations against him, some from the past, not related to this event. And the man will probably be shocked because he didn’t mean to be emotional, nor did he mean to imply that he lacks respect or appreciation. He just switched off, didn’t notice, or maybe he was tired.

“When something or someone triggers us, we can have emotional reactions – outbursts, screams, aggressive behavior, anxiety. We can even experience a panic attack, intense fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, as well as physical reactions – our heart beats more often, we sweat, nausea, cognitive reactions, our self-esteem decreases, self-criticism increases or all kinds of irrational beliefs,” psychotherapist Raluca Predescu explains in more detail .

How and when emotional triggers are formed

We all have emotional triggers that cause us to overreact, but the intensity with which we experience them varies. The type and intensity of the emotion is not necessarily related to the trigger, but rather how we interpret that trigger.

Perhaps, as a child, the wife from our example always did this out of fear that her mother would say something, that she would be upset; maybe she wanted to play with the kids outside or go out with friends, but still she decided to stay home, clean. why Because it would make the mother happy and give her validation. But maybe the mother didn’t even say “Bravo!” Thank you! You’re great!”. He either pretended not to notice or thought it was normal. “Many families had this dynamic where a child had certain responsibilities because they were a child: ‘You’re a child and you HAVE to do!” Thus, see how two events of different periods, seemingly unrelated, were connected and united through the subconscious of our mind,” explains the psychotherapist.

There are other examples: at work, we help our colleagues and expect praise or benefits. But we notice that we are not considered; maybe a colleague is praised and gets a better job, all of which activates something from our childhood. Maybe it was the same when we helped our colleagues, and they took 10, and we took 9. Injustice appears.

According to experts, emotional triggers are automatic and conscious. Automatic triggers are ones we weren’t born with, such as a fear of dogs or other phobias.

“We are not born with a fear of dogs or heights, but if a dog has bitten us, we can associate the dog as a trigger, and danger, threat as an interpretation of this trigger. These can be unlearned,” says the psychotherapist.

Automatic triggers are also those automatic, unconscious reactions that are passed down from generation to generation, unconsciously learned over thousands of years.

“For example, when we are driving. The car in front is driving straight at us, and we automatically pull the steering wheel, press the brakes – this is an automatic reaction. Even if our heart beats hard, our muscles tense, we don’t think, we just act. Emotional reactions in this case are strong, automatic and innate. And then it calms down, after the danger has passed, we hit the brakes, pulled the steering wheel and realized that we are no longer in danger.”

Conscious triggers are those that arise against the background of emotions, past experiences. They require conscious analysis and effort on our part to identify them and give them meaning, so that we can then change the interpretation we have given to this emotion, says the psychotherapist.

In other words, it is not enough to discover that something makes us angry or upset, we must ask ourselves why we feel that way. “And then it is necessary to accept what we feel, because, perhaps you have noticed, we tend to reject unpleasant, negative emotions, hide them under the carpet, deny them. why Because we are ashamed of them and it is difficult to manage them. At the moment when we give space to these emotions, which show something about us and the situation in which we are, if we are aware of them and accept them, they even help us to soften them,” the psychotherapist advises.

How we perceive and regulate what we feel

“First of all, because of normalization. Taking that pressure off us – in the example with men, the man would say “you don’t need to be angry/you shouldn’t feel this way”. Yes, I feel angry, this is my reaction to what happened, I try not to raise my voice, not to say things that I would regret, I take time out, but in this moment I feel angry. Or sadness. Please respect my feelings. To control your anger, sadness, dissatisfaction. Thus, our feelings will no longer have their former intensity, and we will be able to discuss what happened, ask for forgiveness, and move on,” advises psychotherapist Raluca Predescu.

Why do we pass these traumas on to our children?

In 7 years, almost all of our buttons from adult life are installed outside the home, experts say. as? Unconscious. Emotional triggers are born from past traumas. Parents unknowingly traumatize their children. Because they were also traumatized. Perhaps this word is a bit harsh, but it reflects those dysfunctional mechanisms that we learned from our parents and that we pass on to our children, also unconsciously.

“Parents want the best for us, but they don’t realize the negative consequences they have with their behavior and actions. And then, out of love and loyalty to them, we will behave in the same way. Sometimes we say, “I don’t want to be like them,” but that’s exactly what we will be. Because that’s what we’ve seen, and we don’t know how to do it any other way. And even if it doesn’t work, it worked for us. We operated on this dysfunction. And we don’t realize it until the kids tell us they’re in pain or don’t like what they’re feeling. And maybe then we will wake up a little,” says Raluca Predescu.

We support broken mechanisms through repetition and avoidance. There are families that avoid discussions on certain topics. Because I’m sad. But this creates confusion. For example, if we do not know how to set healthy boundaries, this is a problem that can lead to great difficulties in the future as an adult. “Boundaries need to be set constructively and consciously every time. Let’s not be too harsh – “Because I say so! Because that’s how it should be!” -, but also not very condescending – “Well, it doesn’t matter what mischief you have done in the house, that you are a child, leave it, I will collect…”, Raluca Predescu explains. If we can change some behaviors, they can change too.

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