Good parents are parents who do everything possible to meet the needs of their children. Daily. Sometimes that means shutting up and listening to him. At other times, don’t let him do something because it’s bad. But every time it means loving him.

Being a good parent is the sum of our actions and interactions with the child. A good father is one who wants to develop in his child such character traits as independence, honesty, self-control, kindness and cooperation. And in order for them to be fulfilled, a good father creates the basis for the healthy and positive development of the child. A good parent realizes that the child first of all watches, learns and copies. Good parents are those who live their lives as a role model for their children. Because children listen and watch what their parents do, learning everything. And when they absorb the actions and words of their parents, children begin to imitate them. “Your life as a parent will never be the same as before you had a baby. This is the first thing you will have to face and accept. With the birth of a child, your life changes, and the earlier you accept it, the more you can enjoy this journey of parenthood,” says Ramona Ivan, family and child psychotherapist.

How can we change as parents? We adapt!

Life will change significantly after you become parents. You will have less time for yourself, and your priorities will change in favor of the needs and development of the child. It’s a long-term commitment that can be difficult at times, but it can also bring a lot of satisfaction and joy as the child grows. Ultimately, each parenting experience is unique, and adjusting to this new role will be a personal journey. But this adaptation does not mean that your life disappears, explains the psychotherapist, but only that a new topping appears in the pizza of your life, which you cannot just put on one slice, but it is mixed in all your slices.

Starting with this metaphor of parenting—like a large pizza with many slices—let’s think of the toppings (what we put on the pizza slices) as the emotions that enrich our lives. The first step, the specialist explains, is to start with their awareness. “Then you begin to rethink success, but as a parent. as? Take each day at a time. My main success is not to be angry with the child today for crying, for not being able to sit still, for forgetting what I explained to her yesterday, for has different priorities than I do because she is SHE and not ME. My success as a parent is that TODAY I did not yell at my child, did not compare her to anyone, did not insult her, did not instill in her fear, was able to leave the “other slices of pizza” in my life, and I fully connected with him for half an hour, gave him positive attention, left his self-esteem intact with the pain of my wounded inner child. It won’t work the first time, warns the psychotherapist, but after many days of such small successes, the brain manages to rewrite the dysfunctional patterns deeply hidden in us.

Why we fail to connect and with what risks we fail

Bonding with your baby is an important aspect of the parent-child relationship and it’s about developing a strong bond where there is understanding, communication and mutual trust. “This is an unnatural process for us, brought up in emotional starvation,” says Ramona Ivan. She develops this idea with a very easy-to-understand example: “A child falls off a scooter and cries. He is afraid, he is in pain. If you, as a parent, go and explain to him what he did wrong, what happened to him, even if you are there, present with him, there will be no connection. Because at this moment the child cannot think, understand what he did wrong, he just feels. Emotions, what we feel, manifest in the right side of the brain, while the left hemisphere of the brain represents the mind, the area of ​​control. When a child cries, he is afraid, I cannot connect with him through the mind. Communication begins with identifying the area where the child is located – in this case, it is the hemisphere responsible for emotions – then empathy – I hold him, caress him – because only after the child calms down, feels closeness and security, I can to ask what happened when he fell.’

The same happens when a child wants to understand something, to be explained to him, and we approach him and kiss him or take him in our arms. Connection does not occur. Then he needs answers to certain curiosities. A different kind of attention, says the psychologist. “Just as he needs food every day, he also needs attention. Positive attention means listening to him, petting him, sitting on the carpet with him and playing a game for a few minutes. In the absence of this positive attention, negative attention appears, which involves yelling at the child, punishment, and negative remarks towards him. In this context of negative attention, the child still feels noticed and important, it’s just that he develops a style of asking for negative attention – later also in a couple.”

Lack of communication or participation, inadequate discipline (physical or verbal punishment), excessive parental control, excessive academic pressure, and excessive use of technology are harmful factors that negatively affect parent-child relationships. But also the development of children. During times of stress and pressure, some children may become more withdrawn and quiet, anxious, preferring to avoid social interaction or show restlessness, anxiety, panic attacks. Verbal and physical aggression can lead them to aggressive behavior.

Communication with the child – listen, understand, help

Connection means creating an environment where the child feels love, acceptance and support, which positively affects his emotional and social development. “It so often happens to me that children come to me for therapy, whose parents describe them as “silent, they are not talkative at all”, and their mouths do not close the entire session… And when I think about what I have to hear and to “see” this whole inner world of the child, I realize that after the questions I was just silent, I was interested in getting to know him…” – says Ramona Ivan.

The psychotherapist’s advice is to learn to listen. And then we will learn to understand. So, after we establish, agree, discuss (depending on age) boundaries, rules and responsibilities, that is, after we build the foundation of education, let’s stop and listen to our children. “The more you stop telling him what he should do, who he is, what he is, what he should be, and listen to what he feels, what he wants, what he can, what fears he has, what desires he has, what his dreams, the more you can be close to him and turn everyday events into learning, growth, development,” says the psychotherapist.

5 signs that you are a good father

As a parent, you are an asset in your children’s lives. For him, you are both roots (security) and wings (trust), as Dr. Laura Markham, a famous American psychologist, bestselling author of parenting books and mother of two, says. But parenting isn’t just a set of skills or rules. And these kits are not something that some parents can do and others can’t. Here are some signs that you may not have thought about but show that you are a good parent:

1. Does your child ask for your help?

Whether he’s a few months old and relies on you to put him to sleep, or he’s 16 and asks you for 20 lei to buy something he likes, if he comes to you for anything, what he needs, he knows you can give it to him. you want

2. Does he understand why he is not allowed to do certain things?

Setting boundaries, meaning sometimes saying no to certain requests, does not make you a bad parent. Vice versa! Children need boundaries and consistency (once boundaries/rules are set we stick to them) and sticking to them as a parent is a sign that you are a good parent. However, avoid imposing these restrictions without explaining why they are necessary. In this way, the child will not only be forced to respect what he cannot do, but also understand why it is bad.

3. Does he tell you when he is doing the right thing and when he is not?

Good parents are those people who love endlessly. Children, like us adults, still make mistakes. It is very important to understand our children and love them even when they are wrong, just as we show them love when they do good things. A good parent is less about “parenting” and more about parenting. Helping them understand what is right and what is wrong, being there for them every time, they know that they have someone to rely on. And they will grow up understanding that it is okay to make mistakes sometimes. And that we can learn from mistakes.

4. Do you regret when you are wrong about him?

The simple fact that you realize you’ve made a mistake means you already know it means you want to do better. That alone makes you a good parent. Even if you make mistakes (and we all do), being willing to apologize to your children is a sign that you are a good parent.

5. Do you do what you say?

Children learn by watching. And from 0 to 18 years old, their parents are an example for them. You are doing great if you are diligent in setting the examples you want your child to follow. The best parents realize that being a mom or dad isn’t just about raising kids; It is about the development of ourselves. If you are willing to overcome generational trauma, break cycles, and heal a part of yourself to better serve your children, you have a lot to be proud of.

Developing parenting skills takes patience and practice. And, often, children’s answers also require time and patience. As parents, we raise people; in other words, the result of what we grew up with can be found when our children, in turn, become good parents.

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