This article was created as part of the On Mother’s Shoulders campaign, a journalistic approach to raise awareness of the vulnerability of women who are going through or have gone through difficult situations, who have struggled or are still struggling with helplessness, despair and loneliness in the face of pain that has put them on lap.

“Why didn’t you walk away from the first slap? / From the first curse? / From the first hidden money? From the first time you were not allowed to see your family?/ From the first time he forced you to have sex against your will? That’s what I would do!” These are complaints often heard by victims of abusive relationships. Most often, victims do not even know the answer to themselves. It takes them months, maybe even years, to realize what really happened to them and what mechanisms kept them in this role for so long, suffering not only from the abuse itself, but also from the shame and guilt. There are also cases when they are not even aware of the toxicity of the relationship, especially when the partner is not abusive. But emotional, psychological, sexual, economic, spiritual or cyber violence destroys lives just as much as physical violence.

To understand how abuse affects a person, when and how defense mechanisms are triggered, why some people continue to look for love where there is none, what are the stages of leaving an abusive relationship and why some people need it so I spoke with Adela Centes, a psychotherapist at the Anais Association , an organization that fights domestic violence.

ALL ABOUT MOMS: How does a person realize that he has become a victim of abuse?

Adela Centes, psychotherapist: It depends a lot on your personal values. The more clearly we define who we are as beings and how we interpret the world, how we see it, the easier it is for us to accept or reject certain things. It’s true that there are people who can’t tell a healthy line from an unhealthy one, and it’s harder for them to see the warning signs. If someone yells at me, violates my integrity, doesn’t give me the right to respond, makes me isolate myself at home, doesn’t let me see my friends or family on the grounds that he loves me too much. break me up – these are all signs that I’m not in the right relationship.

ALL ABOUT MOTHERS: How hard is it for these people to share what they’re going through?

Adela Sentesh, psychotherapist: The tendency of any woman is to hide, not to speak, not to speak, because it is shameful. We were very culturally taught that it is very important to preserve your family at all costs. And then the woman will not speak, because she will think that she is sacrificing herself for the good of the family, in order to give the children a mother and a father.

In some cases, a woman begins to talk about what she is going through when physical violence occurs. The majority, 70% of women, begin to speak after physical abuse, which comes after emotional abuse, which is no less harmful. But it is very difficult for a woman to admit that she is a victim, because she is often in denial, and denial makes her a prisoner of a toxic relationship.

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