Breaking up can be the first step to solving problems, but not for all couples and not without setting clear rules for the period of separation. In which situations it can be a solution and how it can benefit the relationship, explains family psychotherapist Oana Nicolau.

The period of distance between the two partners of a couple can be a good opportunity to gather your thoughts, re-analyze your feelings, plans and visions in the medium and long term regarding yourself and your partner. However, breaking up is not always the solution to a couple’s problems. “I recommend it for therapy sessions, but not for all couples. I think it’s only useful in certain situations,” says psychotherapist Oana Nicolaou, founder of the Oana Nicolaou Psychotherapy Clinic, which is part of the REGINA MARIA private healthcare network.

A couple break may be needed in several situations:

● In the case of couples where there are serious, recurring conflicts, conflicts that they cannot find a solution to, even if they attend therapy sessions. “Sometimes, even when a couple starts the therapeutic process, they don’t understand the areas that need to be improved in the relationship and don’t work to find solutions. This happens because there are often very big blocks, a difficult past or a difficult experience in other relationships that prevent them from finding emotional availability to find solutions,” explains the psychotherapist;

● In the case of couples where one partner does not know what he wants or if he still wants something from the relationship or he is no longer sure of his feelings. “Maybe he’s faced some difficulties in the relationship, maybe it’s been a betrayal, or maybe one of the partners has gone through more difficult situations and there’s an emotional distance between them. If this detachment is not removed in time, they may lose their feelings or become insecure about their feelings. The two partners begin to go their separate ways and develop differently, forgetting that they had a common plan and vision. Many times they end up not finding each other and not returning the same way. And in these cases, I recommend ending the relationship,” says Oana Nikolaou;

● In the case of couples where both partners feel insecure about the relationship. For those who wonder if it still makes sense to continue the relationship, if they still love each other, or if they can fix certain aspects of the relationship, a breakup can be a method of clarification.

“A break can also be a good time to focus on our personal development. It can be a breakup about everyone individually, and not necessarily about relationships.”

Psychotherapist Oana Nikolaou

A breakup gives the couple an opportunity to reassess what they want from each other in the future, but in order to achieve their goal, the separation takes place under certain conditions.

– Determine the reasons why you want your break

Whether a therapist recommends a break or whether both partners come up with the suggestion on their own, it’s important to find out why they need the break. “The reason may be to recalibrate the relationship – to see what we want, if we still want to continue together, if we still have feelings for each other, to analyze if we can fix what needs to be fixed and find a solution to revive the relationship, to give them a new lease of life and make them as happy as they were at the beginning or maybe more than at the beginning,” explains psychotherapist Oana Nicolau.

– Set the duration of the break

Time spent apart from a partner may be too short for clarification or, conversely, too long to benefit the couple. There is an ideal length of a break, a “healthy” interval that really benefits the relationship, according to a psychotherapist. This is a minimum of one week and a maximum of two weeks. “Whether we want a break of seven or ten days, it is very important that the partners determine the exact length of the break from the beginning and stick to it,” recommends Oana Nicolaou.

– Set rules during recess

Another very important discussion that should take place between partners is related to the things we can do or not do during the separation period. A breakup shouldn’t be seen as a vacation we take in a relationship, says a psychotherapist. “This is not an excuse for entertainment, going out with friends or other potential partners. The rules are very clear: everyone lives separately, if not already, under no circumstances will they stay together in the house.

The moving partner should not be living with friends or parents at that time. Others will influence the purpose of this break in one way or another. Inevitably, they will tell stories together and share experiences. We don’t need to talk to anyone at this time. We will only be with ourselves,” advises the psychotherapist. During separation, it is not desirable for partners to communicate, communicate or meet.

The temptation to write at least a short message to your partner during this break is very strong, but it is not recommended at all. If they remain in contact, the purpose and benefits of this break are lost.

What do we do during separation?

Each of the partners of the couple will continue to go to work, fulfill their obligations and engage in their usual activities, but not other types of activities that could endanger their relationship – outings with friends, entertainment or new acquaintances.

“Both should take time for themselves during separation. The beauty of this breakup, if you can call it that, is that during the time they spend apart, both partners start to reflect on the relationship as a couple, realize certain aspects and understand what they want to do next,” says Oana Nicholas.

A breakup can create feelings of abandonment in one or both partners. Even if they shouldn’t be communicating, it’s important for them to feel that they’re still staying in touch, and that they’re doing it for their own good and the good of the relationship. “In order not to feel abandoned, I recommend that they write letters to each other every night before going to bed. Writing may sound old-school, but it is therapeutic. If they don’t want to write by hand, they can use a laptop, but it’s important to write. Even if they will be far from each other, the fact that they will write to each other will keep them in touch and they will not lose contact, despite the physical distance,” says the psychotherapist. This writing exercise should be used every day of the separation period, but the partners will only exchange letters at the end of it, when they are reunited. This exercise is recommended for both partners, even if only one of them felt the need and asked for a break in the relationship.

What should he write? Any spontaneous thoughts that arise at the end of the day about the relationship, regardless of what each partner feels is appropriate to write at the time. “They should not write about something specific, but about what spontaneously comes to them. This is a letter addressed to another. Maybe they want to reprimand themselves for something, maybe they had time to think about certain things during the day or remembered something unpleasant, maybe they want to say nice things or maybe they want to say something that they didn’t have time to tell each other.” – says Oana Nikolaou.

What will we talk about when we meet again?

A breakup is only the first step to solving marital problems. After it ends, partners should start talking, and letters are a good place to start. From these they should extract a list of things that they need to solve or improve. “From everything they wrote down, they should take away the main thing — what they need to work on to have the relationship they want. During the period of separation, they had time to reflect and, of course, have something to say to each other. Their conversations should be focused on personal needs and desires,” recommends the psychotherapist.

A conversation between two partners might go something like this: “During the time I was gone, I realized that my personal needs are these, my needs for you are these, and my needs in terms of our relationship are concerned with them. “Then the other partner should express their needs, and finally see how they can find a solution together so that they both feel satisfied in their relationship.

Together further or separately? What’s next after the break

The percentage of those who stay together after a breakup is much higher than those who divorce, says Oana Nicolaou. “There are no statistics on this, but I estimate that 70-80% of couples are aware of their problems when they take a break. The partners calm down, rearrange themselves in a different way in the relationship and in relation to the other and decide to start actively working on restoring the relationship,” says the psychotherapist.

Another 20-30% of couples come to the conclusion that it is better for them to go their separate ways, because they realized that they no longer have anything in common, or no feelings. “This decision is normal, because otherwise they would be stuck in a relationship where they were unhappy and in a routine that they did day in and day out for a long time. Whatever decision a couple makes, there will be benefits to the breakup, both personally and for the relationship. Couples who break up are usually those who avoided thinking about their situation for a long time, whose relationships ended long ago but the partners refused to take steps to do so, relationships where there was nothing left for the partners to do. fix it,” says Oana Nicolaou.

A break provides a clearer vision of the couple’s relationship, and ideally it would be taken under the guidance of a therapist to achieve the goals. Especially when the breakup occurs against the background of serious conflicts, numerous arguments and resentments, it can be difficult for partners in a couple to cope with their problems on their own. “I recommend that these couples begin a therapeutic approach. It is not impossible for them to solve their own problems, but it requires a lot of work and a lot of knowledge. I recommend that they, in particular, contact a therapist to guide them on this path. If they have reached big conflicts, it means that there are many difficulties in their relationship and they need to fix a lot. They may feel that they no longer have resources, patience, and availability, and accumulated negative emotions may prevent them from finding solutions,” says the psychotherapist.

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