Two different swimming pools, multiple birthdays and clandestine doctor visits with “don’t tell dad” advice hide the day-to-day life of children after a divorce in Greece, which has been living in a new era in family law for more than a year. half. The law (4800/2021 – Official Gazette 81/A/21-5-2021), which provides that two parents, after divorce, have joint custody of their child(ren) and jointly decide everything that concerns them, came into force on May 2021 . This led to a complete reversal of the practice of absolute mother responsibility in the lives of children after official separation, established and established for decades – for Greece. It also led to hundreds of applications to change divorce agreements that existed in previous years, which in the vast majority of cases gave the mother custody of minor children. The new legislation gives both parents the opportunity to participate equally in the life and upbringing of their children, and also provides that children must spend at least 1/3 of their time with a parent with whom they do not live in the same house. Reasonable and fair. However, in practice, as lawyers-specialists testify, it is very difficult for two people who destroy their common life to simultaneously find functional solutions for the coordinated regulation of their new daily life.

Lawyers, psychologists and parents with whom “K” spoke are asked to create a supportive framework of psychologists, social workers and educators, “to install auxiliary tools” so that the law can work effectively, at least in the first period after a divorce.

“Joint custody, but every child and every family is a completely different case. We cannot apply the law in the same way in all cases. There is no general rule, no recipe that says, “This is the best for the baby.” For each individual child, there is the best,” emphasizes Elena Glegle, a lawyer specializing in the protection of children’s rights.

She explains that judges are encouraged to judge and make decisions without the support of experts and without special training. “A parent comes and says: “I want the child to go to a German school.” Another parent comes and says, “I want him to go to a French school.” And no one backs down. How will the judge decide what is best for the child?” asks Ms. Gleggle (this is a real case). “He should be able to refer the child to a social worker to assess what is in the best interests of the child. He also needs to have a file so that he knows that these parents went to court five times for the same reason, and therefore it is not about the best interests of the child, but about the way the dispute between them is expressed.

In this context, he proposes the creation of family courts so that related cases can be dealt with immediately. “A child on the autism spectrum cannot wait three years for the case to be heard for the parents to agree to visit a developmental specialist. These three years of waiting mean disastrous consequences for its development,” he notes.

Implementing co-parenting requires people who are willing to work together to educate their children many times on a daily basis. But divorce cases that end in court involve people who don’t talk to each other. “To be discussed and searched by people who are in divorce court. It will only happen by a miracle. We ask that logic prevail in a situation where there is no logic,” says Mrs. Glegle. “It’s very rare for two people to decide on a divorce at the same time,” he adds.

“Judges don’t have the time and knowledge to make decisions about the lives of children after divorce, which are completely dependent on adult relationships.”

Many of the court decisions over the past year, in order to avoid constant conflict between two parents who have joint custody, divide the children’s time into strictly defined boundaries. Fair decisions for parents do not mean good decisions for children.

Little nomads try to adapt not only to two houses, but also to two pools: parents exercise custody for the time allotted to them on the basis of a court decision, without informing the other parent, who is called to take and manage a small child who has lost touch with his life for a week, a month or more.

A recent decision concerns two children aged 4 and 11 and specifies that each month from the 1st to the 11th of the month, the children will live with their father and the remaining 20 days with their mother. “Unless the parents decide otherwise, the decision says, but the parents don’t talk to each other. How will a child feel when he does not see his father for 20 days, and then suddenly leaves to visit him, ”says lawyer K.

In another case, it was decided that the children would live one year in Cyprus with their father and one year in Greece with their mother.

An 8-month-old breastfed infant was “guaranteed” by the court to spend the first week of each month with his father, who asked his mother to express milk and give it to him … An 11-year-old child goes to two pools and two nutritionists, depending on the house in which he resides. Every September, a 10-year-old faces the prospect of a school change as his parents argue and go to court at every class change.

Ballet, not taekwondo, piano or guitar, to play with Giannis or with Maria? The motto of the arguing spouses “talk to my lawyer” does not change, as joint custody is established. “The law alone cannot bring hated people to the world table, as is often the case in divorce proceedings, and judges have neither the time nor the knowledge to decide on the post-divorce life of dependent children. adult relationships”, stress psychologists.

Three houses, one family

Private worker John and engineer Kostas have been here for two years, both together and separately, they tried, in short, it was enough not only for two children aged 10 and 5, but also for themselves. Finally, a few days ago, their divorce came out under a private agreement, which they signed at a notary. They did not apply to the court and hope that they will not have to, but they do not rule it out either. “It’s hard not to break apart in a divorce. Disputes may arise that we cannot resolve,” Joanna says. “Then I will seek help from an expert,” he adds.

They decided that the children would stay in the house where they lived while they were married, while they themselves came and went. One is Monday, Wednesday, Friday and the other is Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. The opposite is true next week. Each of them has rented a small house where they live during their “no children” days.

“We decided to follow the French model so that the children have a stable roof so that they can continue to sleep in their bed. We take turns and we have a common place where we raise our children. This means, of course, three houses. It’s hard financially,” says Joanna. As for finances, the concept of alimony does not exist. The parents calculated the total expenses of the children and each agreed to pay half the amount. Costas wanted joint custody, and Joanna didn’t mind. However, he admits that if he had sole custody, he would feel more secure.

In the end, life itself decided

John, a computer science teacher, is the father of a 15-year-old boy, and although he would love to, he decided to place the child in the care of his mother.

“He wanted full custody, he thought it was very important. It was explained to her that if a child gets into something – due to puberty – he will be solely legally responsible, but will not budge. I, because I won to have a child 50% of my time, did not insist, ”explains Giannis.
The child stays one week in one house and one week in another. However, because his mother works late, every day after school he goes to the house where his father lives. When it’s “her week”, his mother comes and picks him up right after school from work, usually in the late afternoon.

The child’s school is located between two houses, and Giannis does his best to be close to his son, especially emotionally. On the days when he sleeps in his own house, he prefers to travel with him to school by train and chooses a sport that suits the preferences of a 15-year-old teenager so that they can play together. The cost of the child is divided in half. “For me, it’s a commitment to do my best to be with him. The child is the motivation for my decisions. I’m lucky because I’m surrounded by people who support me, and my ex-partner agrees.” I notice that you end up seeing him more than her. “After all, it was life that determined the distribution,” he replies.

The Importance of Routine

Theodora Hatziartemiou

This is a completely new state in Greece, where the concept of the family is very strong and its breakup causes great conflicts. After separation, parenthood remains, and parents must find a way to manage it, to establish functional communication. It is very important for a child to have unhindered communication with both parents, regardless of gender, because thanks to these relationships, he will form his personality.

It is good for parents – in any case – to decide everything together, to live – if possible – nearby, so that the child remains in his community, to have frequent communication between both of them and the child, regardless of where he lives as his main residence. I think that at the first stage it is necessary to have support, advice from parents, because it is not easy, if not impossible, for them alone not to get into conflict.
Each family is unique, it is a unique subsystem that requires special treatment. Often the plan that will be followed is not as important as a good relationship between parents. On the other hand, the relationship must be clear so that the child does not have expectations that his parents can get back together.

A child, especially under the age of five, has a strong sense of attachment to the person who cares for him, often to his mother, and it is important not to break this feeling.

For the mental health of the child, the feeling of nesting, a concrete base, corresponding to stability in the place of residence, is important. Usually before five, we do not recommend spending the night in another house, without his accompaniment.

When transferring children, it is important to follow a certain routine regarding food and sleep, to have pre-agreed fixed rules of behavior.

Depending on the age and depending on the child, needs change, and it is useful for parents to adapt.

* Ms. Theodora Hatziartemiou – child psychologist, bachelor, master, scientific director of the center for development and training “Noisi”.