I never experienced full blown anger up close until I became a parent of small children. My kids, who are a little older now, didn’t have big tantrums. But when they did, they went all the way: screaming, sobbing, shaking violently – all of it. I was embarrassed by their tantrums, and sometimes I worried about what kind of children I was raising.

“Many of us have been taught that anger is bad, and that showing anger and expressing our feelings is bad,” says Jasmine McCoy, child psychologist and family therapist, and author of The Ultimate Tantrum Guide.

But there’s nothing wrong with anger, McCoy says, and its expression isn’t inherently dangerous or disrespectful. Anger management training is a lifelong skill that allows children to function at home, at school, and in the outside world without losing control. And this is a skill that parents can help develop in their children.

Don’t be afraid of them

When talking about children and anger, it’s helpful to remember a few simple facts: First, anger is a basic human emotion. And second, emotions are there to tell us about ourselves and our relationships, explains Dave Anderson, a clinical psychologist and vice president of school and community programs at Child Mind Institute, a nonprofit organization dedicated to psychotherapy for children and families. Emotions can help us answer basic questions: What would we like more? What would we like to prevent?

Reminding yourself that anger is part and parcel of being human can help you treat an upset child with empathy rather than judgment. Yelling at a child who is yelling at us and at the world is very likely to escalate the situation.

It can also be helpful to remember that meltdowns or tantrums (non-clinical terms for those terrible moments when our child goes berserk) can be a developmental rite of passage, especially for children under 3 who are still learning how they can be independent. regulation.

Emotional vocabulary

“Name it to tame,” a phrase coined by psychologist Dan Siegel, is an oft-repeated mantra among child development professionals who believe in the importance of teaching children to recognize and name their emotions so they can talk about what they are experiencing. . McCoy recommends that children read simple books with pictures of other children smiling, laughing, or frowning, which they usually find “exciting.” Evidence suggests that babies can begin to recognize other people’s emotions as early as 6 months of age.

Throwing out can be a developmental rite, especially for children under 3 who are still learning self-regulation.

Say what you feel

Parents sometimes feel the need to insulate their children from their own feelings, but being open in moments of anger or frustration can be instructive. Describe to your child how you feel. Is your mind going crazy? Is your heart beating fast? “To really take the time to slow down and notice what’s going on in your body — and how do you know you feel what you feel — is such a powerful experience,” says McCoy.

Ways to deal with

Children need to find their own ways of self-regulation, and these may be different from yours. Experimentation may be required to help the child find an outlet (or outlets) for anger. Some children respond to simple deep breathing exercises, Anderson says. But they may need a more intense physical release.

Set boundaries

McCoy notes that children need to learn the distinction: while all emotions, including anger, are acceptable, not all behavior is acceptable. Therefore, clear and precise boundaries of aggressive or unsafe behavior are very important.

Listen to your child

In terms of the bigger picture, it’s important to make sure your children have plenty of opportunities to discuss their feelings – anger, sadness, worry, everything – with close friends, family members, or a mental health provider. It’s not always easy to hear that your children are having a hard time, but these conversations and contacts are necessary to validate what they’re going through and provide emotional relief.

“I like to say that the best form of anger management is to feel understood,” says McCoy. “Often when we are angry, beneath our anger we feel fear, we feel misunderstood and we feel disconnected.”